Dateline: Vieuxtican City


Recently, rumors have been flying regarding dissent between the Church of the Krewe of the Vieux and one of its seventeen subchurches, Drippus and Dischargius. Reports are circulating about a rift developing between the two bodies entailing their views on the appropriate means of developing and maintaining revenue.

We conducted an interview with KD&D spokesnun Sister Sebastian.


LdM:         “Sister, what can you tell us about the origin of your group?”


SS:   “In the beginning was the Vieux, and the Vieux was good… Perhaps I go back too far. Firstly, we are all true believers in the Vieux. Our group saw an area which has been frequently frequented by our followers, but rarely ministered to by our ministers. The fallen St. Falwell excepted. We seek to embrace the workers in the industry of adult films.”


LdM:         “What drew you to this needy group?”


SS:   “It is painfully apparent that these souls lacked belief in the Vieux, though we believe in them. We did note a concurrent belief and devotion to one of our holiest tenets, constant striving for “The Second Coming.” This is second only to our quest for “The Holy Tail.” In that our beliefs were so similar we began the process of proselytizing and prostituting, pandering and horny tooting to recruit these poor lost souls to our view of “The Vieux.”


At this Sister S. seemed to fall into a fit of religious ecstasy. Her habit began flopping out and back. Her breathing became ragged. Her eyes glazed over and rolled back. She began speaking in tongues, “Oh My God, Oh Gawd, Oh Gawd, Oh Gawd, Oh Gawd, Oh Gawd...” Suddenly her body went stiff and she began shaking uncontrollably. As a matter of common courtesy I unfolded her from her resulting fetal position and continued the interview.


LdM:         So Sister, what is the origin of your dispute with the Mother Church? And what is that strange odor of wet mushrooms?


SS:   (still semi-incoherent) “Give us your winos, your whores, de Sades and nymphos yearning to breed free. The wretched refuse… (coming back to himself) We applied to the Mother Krewe for sanction as a sub-sect to tend these lost loins. Being the holy and inclusive group we are, we accepted them into our bosom with open arms and open pants and open legs… butt I digress. The Mother Krewe granted us a generous stipend to ecstablish our ministry. And get off, er, ecstablish we did, ecstatically.”

LdM:         “So what’s gone wrong?”


SS:   “We are ministers to the needy, not bookkeepers. The money ran out long before the fun did. The Mother Krewe is loathe to continue subsidizing our end-delvers. Though wonderfully successful in our work, we are broke.”


LdM:         “That is terrible. Out there saving souls and as bankrupt as the GOP’s morality. What will you do?”


SS:   “We consulted our most learned monk, the man in charge of recruiting, reform, and rhinoplasty for our female converts, Brother Marco Hardonicus. Grand Master H, as we lovingly refer to him, recommends a church wide prayer vigil and pilgrimage. It will begin at our holy church, the anointed place of celebration, The Den of Muses. In the course of the rites we will find the answer to how we will fund our cause.”


LdM:         “What will this entail?” (the answer came sometime later as the sister had lapsed into another seizure.) 


SS: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir… Um… We will begin with our holiest rites at our holiest site, a bacchanal at The Den of Muses. There amidst fete-in’ and fornicatin’ and soul-a-savin’ we will pray the Big Prayer to request guidance and KY and gratification. Once we regain our senses, censers, and clothes we will make the sacred pilgrimage from the sacred Marigny through the Vieux and to The State Palace Theater to test ourselves in the Temple of Temptation.”


LdM:         “That sounds amazing! Do you believe your prayer will be answered?”


SS:   “As was foretold in the days of olde, ‘If you follow the rites, if you pray the Big Prayer, all will come to you and you will come again.’ We will pray the Big Prayer. We will look deep into our souls and as one call out asking the Big Question…

WHAT WOULD KREWE du VIEUX DOO? And as foretold we know the answer that will come and we will come again. It will be written in burning letters upon the walls by a fiery hand. It will vindicate us to all. It will tell us to do as we have seen fit to do to pay our way. Drips and Discharges will… PORN AGAIN!

(Copies of this sermon and other church materials available on line and at your local adult book store.)